Hi, I’m Siege, and I’m a poor college student. I can’t even afford to buy real people food like eggs and caviar. So I’ve been thinking: I should find a way to make money. I see the kids these days talking about how much they like anime. I could make an anime, I think.

How hard can it be? That Miyazaki dude does it all the time and makes loads of dough, and he’s only 72 years old.

So let’s sit down together, you and me, dear reader, and walk through what it’s going to take for me to get rich in the world of anime.

Step One: Cool Main Characters

I know that personally I only watch anime for cool main characters. If the main characters are awful, then that’s why I can never watch these silly modern anime with all these girly men. Let’s harken back to the good old days of Dragon Ball Z and Speed Racer and make the best character ever.

Okay, so, I’ll start by drawing him. My many years of art experience are going to work in my favor here; don’t expect to be able to draw anything near as good as what you’re going to see here.

Let’s start with the head. It’s gotta be super cool looking. I’m talking battle scars and tattoos. Maybe an eyepatch. Let’s see what I can come up with.

Now there is a main character that oozes masculinity. Take note of the red eyes; they prove that this character is, in fact, a demon. That’s right, I’m breaking new ground in the anime world.

Next is of course the body. Once again, masculinity is key. You know what’s masculine? Cats.

There we go. There’s some oozing masculinity. Wait, it’s missing something. Give me a moment.

There. Now you can tell that this character means business. Watch what you say, or he will gun you. He will gun you dead.

We need a good name for this character. I’ve taken some of the key features of the character, and I’ve come up with the best possible name for him.

This is Blondepatch McGun, and he will gun you dead.

Of course, one character can’t make an entire anime all by themselves. Blondepatch will need a love interest to keep him gunning. Since this is an anime, there is one thing you can expect out of a love interest. In fact, it’s probably the first thing you notice about any female character in an anime:

She has to have a Japanese name.

I’ve googled the most popular Japanese names (since I would like my anime to be popular). I’ll combine the top three to get the best possible name.

Ladies and Gentlemen, let me introduce you to Sakura Hinata Miku.

She has to be as generic as possible so all of the fanboys will like her for different reasons. Her arrow eyes and neutral expression are sure to make all those anime fans drool.

All the characters are out of the way, so now we can move on to the boring part.

Part 2: The Plot

We only need two characters to have a deep plot. Some people will tell you that plots need antagonists, but I’d love to point you to Neon Genesis Evangelion to prove that anime doesn’t even need plot.

I think I’m going to make this anime into a shonen. It’s been a long time since I’ve watched a shonen, but I imagine they have a lot of movement and action in them.

So, obviously, the plot needs to reflect that. Here is a short proof-of-concept script for my plot.

[Big Apple, 3AM; Sakura and Blondepatch are standing on the city street, planning their moves]

BLONDEPATCH: I’m not sure I can keep going… He’s too strong.

SAKURA: Who? We are literally the only two people who exist in the world.

BLONDEPATCH: Poor, naive Sakura. Sakura Hinata Miku. There’s something I need to tell you. About us.

SAKURA: What could it be?

BLONDEPATCH: When I tell you, you have to promise not to leave me.

SAKURA: I promise.

BLONDEPATCH: I am… a cat.

SAKURA: THIS IS A SEVERE REVELATION

BLONDEPATCH: HOW ARE YOU GOING TO REACT?

SAKURA: Well…

[End Scene]

That ending is incredibly important. You want to ensure that your audience is left wanting more. Don’t forget to have several twists and turns, and make sure that at least one character changes allegiances constantly.

That’s all you need for a successful anime plot. Just take everything your audience expects and tell them they’re wrong.

Also, be sure to make and break promises. The audience will love that they can’t trust any of your characters.

Part 3: Bringing It All Together

After creating the characters and plot of my anime you combine all the elements you have so far. Don’t worry about voice acting or lip syncing; those processes are expensive and useless. Instead, be sure to approach professional voice actors and ask them to do work for free. They’ll be happy to work simply for “exposure” in the voice acting world.

Unfortunately, Johnny Yong Bosch and Yuri Lowenthal won’t lift their restraining orders in order to voice my protagonist, and LittleKuriboh was too busy voicing everyone elses’ projects. So I’ve had to voice this project completely on my own. That’s not a problem, since any voice actor will tell you that there is no training or effort whatsoever required to be a voice actor.

After some hard budget animating by myself, I have come up with the following final product:

Funimation, I await my funding.

Feel free to enjoy any of my other articles that won’t make me mountains of money.