Thinking of working on a novel/short story

This is a BAREBONE breakdown the the first chapter. There is barely any details or dialog, and not perfect English. This was a quick type that I had planned to show someone else, but they ended up leaving the IRC... so here it is. Again, sorry for the bad grammar and spelling since it was a quick type. I will probably post another one when the chapter itself is done. I like to do a barebone breakdown of a chapter before doing the details and such. Give suggestions and complaints of what you just read, and I'll look at them while working on the chapter.

A teen is coming to Japan after his mother and father died to stay with his aunt. He boards a train heading to the outer part of town. While standing in the train, he starts to hear screams and voices and running noise in his head, then visions start to appear. He see a strange being chasing after a girl about the same age as him. The girl gets trapped in the corner, and the being stabs the girl in the shoulder, locking her in place. The being then pulls his other arm back, it's claws aimed at the girls chest. He swings it forward, and before it gets to the girl, the vision and noise fade. The teen shakes his head, and tries to forget about it. Later, while trying to find his aunts place, he gets lost, and ends up in a hidden alley where he see's the same girl in his vision. He notices the Being having his arm swung back, the teen tries to stop the monster and jumps in front of the claws. The teen get stabbed in the chest, stopping the claws from hitting the girl. The girl see's a faint light blue flame aura surrounding the teen. The teen drops to the ground and the girl gets angry, and her own flame color surrounds her body, the being is terrified and steps back. The girl forms a flame like sword over her arm and swings it to cut off the being arm. The being tries to flee's but the girl then forms a flame cannon with her flames and blasts the being in the back, and it dies... after it dies, light orbs leaves the body and vanishes. The girl then looks at the teen, and smiles at him, and he smiles back, happy that she safe (he didn't see what happened) and starts to tear up, not sure why he did what he did. The girl asked if he wants to live, and he slowly nods. He closes his eyes and his breathing became shallow. The girl still sees the faint flame aura over the teen, and decides to combine her flame aura with his, and injects it into the teen wound, the two flames surrounding each other (they do not mix together). They now share the same fate. If she dies, he dies, and if he dies, she dies. A maid (yes, a maid) and several other people in suits surrounds the alley, and carries the teen out, and takes him to the girl mansion.
He ends up living with her and becomes the only male butler there and his aunt is the head maid.

The story is going to be a mix of Fantasy, Romance (probably), and Comedy. The people names haven't been decided yet (i wrote some down, but want to choose the best ones).

Again, this is just a very brief summary of the first chapter with no details or dialog...

Lovely, quixotic entrance offering so many possibilities. . .