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Old 08-02-2011, 03:00 AM   #2
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Re: Two Suns (original poem)

Just some quick comments.

Respectfulness is kind of unwieldy, "respect" alone gets the point across.

"Elegant" also seems a little extraneous in the last line, you're already conveying something aesthetically positive with "beauty," so "elegant" might be redundant. You're probably not concerned but it does kind of feel like a lot of syllables compared the previous line. You can either take it out or use something short and possibly appeals to a different sense, like "warm smile" for instance.

Sorry to get kind of nitpicky about details, but you did write a poem . . .

Also, I love the metaphor you have going here, really romantic, nice work.

Also, just throwing it out there, the title "Two Suns" totally reminded me of Star Wars and that famous binary sunset on Tatooine, which is why I clicked on this topic in the first place, lol.
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