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Old 10-11-2010, 06:45 AM   #1
Lunies
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Critique wanted!

Hey guys, I'm entering a short story contest through the school. I've been trying to get as many people as possible to read it and critique it first, just to make sure it's the best it can be. Do you guys mind reading it and giving me some opinions? It's verrrry hard for me to do this, I hate people reading my writing, but I figure it's the only way to make it better. ^^;

Specifically, I find the very end weak, but I was reaching the 500 word limit, so I sort of panicked.

----

Erased, Sending in the story. Thanks! :)
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Last edited by Lunies; 10-28-2010 at 06:12 PM.
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Old 10-11-2010, 02:30 PM   #2
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Re: Critique wanted!

I will give it a read when I get home from work. As right now I feel like death x.x
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Old 10-11-2010, 05:25 PM   #3
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Re: Critique wanted!

First off, I must say I rather enjoyed the story for how short it was.
As a fellow writer, I admire how you portrayed a complex emotion we all feel [as writers] in such a short, little story. :)

There were just a few little things I would fix:

1) "Seeing your childhood home full of nothing but boxes and bare shelves leaves you with an empty feeling inside." - I was lost because of this sentence...I assume "your" is Lizzy, but the change of PoV makes it awkward.

2) "Everything was full of a layer of dust so thick" - I don't think that things can be "full" of a layer...I would just simply change "full" to covered or something of that sort.

3) (This is just a convention error...probably a typo) "“This is all junk anyway.” she mumbled as she" - The period should be a comma of course...just thought I would point it out...I am horrible with that typo, so I am always on the lookout for that in my own writings. =P

4) (Another conventional error) "when a box full of dusty, but colourful papers caught her eye." - I would put another comma in this sentence between "papers" and "caught," as it is descriptive yadda, yadda.

5) "a princess in a high castle tower while the knight fought a crudely drawn dragon" - I would put an verb after princess, like stood, waited, admired, etc.

6) " sword fights and princesses" - I would change this one since you already mentioned a princess in your list. Maybe flowers and rainbows or something. (Don't give me that look =P)

7) "Bidding goodbye to her old childhood home, childhood memories" - I would put something like "as well as" after home and before childhood.

Hope that helps! I really did like the story, and think that it has potential to win the contest you are entering, (especially if it is a 500 word story contest). It is easy to relate with if you are a writer. I wish ye the best of luck!

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Old 10-11-2010, 06:04 PM   #4
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Re: Critique wanted!

Thank you so much for your input, Jubi. When you pointed those out, all of your suggestions were very helpful. I'm glad you enjoyed it, I'm hoping the judges will, as well. The winner gets it published into an anthology and having something published has been a dream of mine.
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