Welcome, Guest
It seems you're not logged in
You can do that Here
Or Register
91.8 The Fan




Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
Old 02-08-2012, 03:18 PM   #1
hatakraa
Newbie
 
hatakraa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 5

Rep Power: 0
hatakraa is meh
Bittersweet Violin



Hi there everybody! I am hatakraa and I am currently writing my own book. Before I post a bit of what I've written for comments I just would like to ask everyone to be as honest as possible. I intend to get this published when I get it done. So thanking everyone ahead of time here you goes!


Chapter One
The year was 1834 in Bran, Transylvania. It was a dark night where the wind was singing of the horrors it purveyed. The rain was falling that night like tears as if they were slowing down with every second passed. The monolithic doors of the castle creaked as they were pushed open by the massive gathering of people. With numbers over 1000, they were such a sightly crowd. With styles in dress from one end of the globe to the other, they were certainly in their best attire. The sound of confusion among the many present chorused together in such a spectacular fashion. Laughing amongst themselves, the one’s with fanged grins drew fear in upon the crowd’s multitude that if not for their hypnotic eyes they would flee. Not being the case, they went forth on a good pace.

Entering the castle, the long corridor before them was filled to the brim with murmurs of past lives began to weep out of the portraits on the walls. This itself caused the crowd to pause in terror as they were being playfully pushed forward. Laughing louder and louder, the one’s guiding the crowd were getting so rowdy you would have sworn they were inebriated. The hall ended with a large pentagram covered in rubies. Being pushed toward it, the crowd was shocked as they simply went through it. Greeting them on the other side was none other than a ballroom filled with masquerade-masked people. The masks themselves were shocking to see, being made out of human skin and all.

“Ahh finally, dinner is here. The masked one’s removed their masks and dropped them to the floor as they lunged at the crowd of people. There was so much screaming as the crowd attempted to flee that the nearby symphony in their seats started to play to mask the sound.

Up above in the clock tower, there were two dark figures, each with a glass of blood and fangs which were close in colour to ivory.
“We must not allow such an offense upon ourselves! A church, coming to our lands? Surely they will try to destroy us. We must force our perfect wills upon them before their “God” demands our destruction!”

“My brother, just because you share our fathers’ name, does not make you the speaker of his will. Calm your mind Vlad.” Growled Dragos.

Vlad then twisted his view sharply from the window to his brothers’ eyes. “Do not presume that you can guide my hand Dragos, I am still your elder. Your foolish compassion for mankind has led you astray into calming the thunder strikes that must be shot down onto the weak minded.”

Dragos then grabbed his brother by the collar and pushed him against the wall. Dragos quickly steeled himself as he began to speak. “Then do not presume to know your enemy, my dear brother. The only pawn visible on the field is their name. Hellsing. That is not enough to go on. Neither do you know whether they are protestant or catholic. Just because these people of god start a church here, dost not proclaim their intentions of destruction. Nor do you know the flock of this church and their plans. If you rush into battle without knowing the battlefield, you are fooling yourself into believing in a false victory. Calm yourself brother. Time will show us all.” Letting go and walking back to his seat, Dragos grabbed his cup and took a sip.

“Dragos, why must you always play the fool? This compassion will lead you to your destruction.”

“And your warlike nature, your own. It seems in my absence you have gone mad with rage my brother.” Dragos said as he finished his glass. Dragos walked to the window and stared down at the village at the bottom of the hill. “We have a bigger enemy on our doorstep brother. This Order of the Dragon. I hear they will do whatever their “God” tells them to do, even if it be to murder people in their sleep. How cowardly must they be to do such a thing?” Joining his brother at the window, Vlad finished his glass and set it down on a nearby desk.

“They are not a threat Dragos, they are but foolish men. And men can be turned or destroyed. Now my little brother, we have a ball to attend this fine night, we should dare not miss it; for all the finest drink and women will be there.”
“Finest drink indeed” he said as he chuckled and walked with his brother down the corridor to the main ball room. A young man, looking to be around the age of 17 with the deepest red eyes singing around their blue center came around the corner holding his mask. The masquerade mask was quite the spectacle, being made out of human flesh. “Adrian Fahrenheit Tepes, what are you doing here. I thought I told you not to bother your father and I.” said Dragos with a eyebrow raised. “Uncle, mother asked me to bring you two to the ball, she is anxious to talk with you. She hasn’t seen you in years and would like to talk with you.”

Silently, Vlad walked up to his son, leaned over and flicked him on the forehead, sending him flying down the hall and through the balcony’s wooden railing into the ballroom. “You’re a very harsh with your son aren’t you?” said Dragos. “I have to be, he is weak, I need to make him strong.” Said Vlad as he walked out onto the balcony and watched as the wood repaired itself. “Amazing isn’t it? How the world acts differently around us as if it is bowing to our majesty. Order of the Dragon, churches, how can they stand up to us and our might?” smirked Vlad as he gripped the wooden railing so hard that it broken again and repaired itself over his hand. “Pride cometh before a fall my brother. Have you forgotten how our father became vampuric? How god betrayed and murdered his love? He was a soldier for god before he was a monster. We have to learn before we whip otherwise we shall pay for it later.” Ripping his hand out of the wood, he stomped away.

“Stupid fool, you don’t understand anything do you?” Putting his hands on the balcony, Dragos grabbed a cigar out of his coat pocket. He quickly snapped his fingers, lighting the cigar. The dancers below were quite nimble being ghosts and all. They appeared like they were out of a different time. It was to be expected, considering some of them were going on 500 years. Adrian was having quite the time escaping from the hole he exploded into. Undead hands were protruding from the floor clamouring for the fresh sacrifice.

Being annoyed by this, Adrian shot out his hands. Immediately a black hole exploded around him destroying the hands and allowing him to quickly escape before they repaired. Seeing this, the ghosts around him stopped dancing and laughed. “Lowly dhampir, always having to fight just to survive in his own home. I guess he deserves it for having a human as a mother.” Deeply stung by their poisonous words, he aimed to banish them to oblivion with a flick of his wrist. Grabbing his hand, he turned to see his mother smiling at him. “You shouldn’t be so hot blooded Adrian. Do you really wish to be more like your father, snapping at anything that moves?” “But mothe-“ “Come come, you have a beautiful young lady here for your partner. Enjoy the night beloved.” Pushing him towards his partner, he quickly put his mask on as went towards the dance floor.

The night went on and on till midnight, till the dancers suddenly disappeared. A large smacking of lips pierced the night and made every single guest suddenly stop and sit down for the lord of the land to speak.

“Servants and friends, may your ears be subject to mine own tongue. I see how you lay before me in wait for the morn; well it will come be assured. We all come together in this fine hall to glorify our passion for the art of fleshly desire as it were. As a sparrow is to a lonesome nest, we are as a lion to a den. We feast on those who pray, and we prey on those who feast in the pleasures of a god. Never the less we must still count our blessings. I pray that god cry as I stab his heart again and again. For what else can he bless us with.” Said Lord Tepes clearly with a grin on his face as his hair flowed while slightly daring to touch his forehead. “However, we sadly come to the end of the night. You can be sure that as we spit at god’s graces tonight, that I take such joy from stabbing at him from the pits of hell. May you all enjoy the further pleasures of the night, but as for me and my house, we part for sleep. I bid you all leave, but not in a sense of discrepancy. But in and of itself, a sense of depravity; for there is more to come very soon. Good night.” The guests themselves, parting away; they changed forms individual to their choosing. Some turning to fog and drifting away towards the window, and some turning to wolf. One or two turned to bat and followed their familiars away into the night.

As soon as it was clear that none was near anymore, Lord Tepes turned to Dragos. “Son, I would like you to invite the Hellsing family to dinner tomorrow night. I would like to see the pieces on the table as it were.” “As soon as they arrive, I shall my lord.”

“I refuse this! I shall not attend if you intend to bring men of god to our home!” Storming off, Vlad stomped down the hall. Seeing this, both Lisa and Adrian excused themselves with a bow and proceeded to follow Vlad.

“Why does he hate humans so?” I try to understand him father. I honestly do.” Said Dragos with a incredibly sad demeanor. “Ah yes, you had left before it happened so you would not know. Like how a blade is unto a snake’s tongue, you must be unto wisdom. Seek the script of the year 1235 and you shall find what you are looking for.”

“And what is it that I seek?” said Dragos looking pecurely at his father.

“Truth my son, now begone with you, I have business to attend to.” Said Lord Tepes as he raised him self and just as quickly as you could blink he disappeared.


If you comment not only will you get a cookie, but a ninja hug.
______________________


hatakraa is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-08-2012, 07:46 PM   #2
moonhawk81

Wandering Witch
 
moonhawk81's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 683

Rep Power: 109
moonhawk81 is on a distinguished road
Re: Bittersweet Violin

oh, oh, I love cookies!!! not so sure about ninja hugs. . .I just wish that The Red Alchemist were still hanging around--I would love to have seen you two together in the RP section! Nicely done.
______________________


Last edited by moonhawk81; 02-09-2012 at 10:38 AM.
moonhawk81 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-08-2012, 08:28 PM   #3
Leviathan Mist

大好き.
 
Leviathan Mist's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: In a pineapple under the sea
Posts: 632

Rep Power: 102
Leviathan Mist is on a distinguished road
Re: Bittersweet Violin

Drago would be happy to read this.
______________________
This message paid for by the Mist Foundation for a Better Radio Experience, and brought to you in part by Renku.

Leviathan Mist is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-13-2012, 11:46 PM   #4
homie_jiraiya
Fan
 
homie_jiraiya's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: space oklahoma
Posts: 132

Rep Power: 0
homie_jiraiya is meh
Re: Bittersweet Violin

ahem... do you really want honesty and if so shall it apear in its utter brutalitty or shall i garb the beast in niceties as too stay the crushing blow
______________________
eternaly nerdy homie_jiraiya


homie_jiraiya is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-15-2012, 10:58 PM   #5
hatakraa
Newbie
 
hatakraa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 5

Rep Power: 0
hatakraa is meh
Re: Bittersweet Violin

Quote:
Originally Posted by homie_jiraiya View Post
ahem... do you really want honesty and if so shall it apear in its utter brutalitty or shall i garb the beast in niceties as too stay the crushing blow
I'd rather have full honesty.
______________________


hatakraa is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-16-2012, 11:03 PM   #6
homie_jiraiya
Fan
 
homie_jiraiya's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: space oklahoma
Posts: 132

Rep Power: 0
homie_jiraiya is meh
Re: Bittersweet Violin

too many repeated words, the more descriptive termsneed to be first then the nondescript( ie glass should be something like chalice or grail or goblet)
second order of the dragon was led by dracula
third the name would be dracul not dragos
it was the turks nopt the church that were against dracula
the man van helsing was not born
until the early 1900s
http://www.draculas.info/vlad_iii_dracula/

i suppose as a n early attempt it would be ok but you seriously need to find a good editor ar thesaurus
______________________
eternaly nerdy homie_jiraiya


homie_jiraiya is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:40 AM.



Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.