Welcome, Guest
It seems you're not logged in
You can do that Here
Or Register
91.8 The Fan




Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
Old 10-26-2010, 04:52 PM   #1
quostin
Tuner Quo
 
quostin's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 35

Rep Power: 0
quostin is meh
Bond by Flames (Updated) Chapter 1

Attached is Chapter 1. This is most likely just a draft. It will most likely change. Please post here with suggestions and comments.

Here it is:
Chapter 1 Encounter
I am Eriku. I’m currently heading to the Ookami train station after a terribly long plane ride from the United States to Japan. My mother has disappeared for several months and was never found. In result, the government decided that they would send me to my only living relative left, which would lead me coming back to Japan. My aunt, Euiko, will now have custody of me. This will be the first time seeing her since I left to America with my family. I was raised in Japan for a couple years before going to the United States. While in America, I was taught Japanese and English. I would speak Japanese when I was at home, and would speak English when I’m out of the house, such as at school. Anyhow, back to the main topic on hand.

I’m heading to the outer limits of Tokyo, and got to board a train. The train I’m boarding seems very new. The outside of the train is a glossy blue with white writing on the side stating it’s number, and what station it is from. Walking into the train, I look around, seeing myself being surrounded by nothing but white with colorful posters advertising products, such as an ePhone 5. I sigh after looking at the price, knowing that it will be a while before I can even think about owning an ePhone. I raise my hand, grabbing the arm rail so I wouldn’t lose my balance as the train starts to move. My eyes looks around the area, seeing the people that surrounds me, noting several different school uniforms, wondering if any of those will be one that I will wear; of course, it will be a male uniform, not sure what people would think of me cross-dressing as a girl. A couple schoolgirls are chatting with each other, giggling, and being noisy. Another schoolgirl is reading from a novel. I couldn’t read the title, but it must be interesting if she is reading it on the train. A group of guys are fighting with each other, comparing their girlfriends to see whose is better, while making fun of the guy without a girlfriend. I also see a couple office workers holding their handbags, looking straight at the ground, minding their own business. Finally I noticed a little old lady sitting in front of me; her eyes are closed, but then her brown eyes opens up and look up at me. I smile softly at her, nodding my head, and she does the same, before closing her eyes again. I look around for a little longer, studying the emotions and movements that the surrounding people make, trying to guess how their day was. After a while, I decided to close my eyes to rest for a bit, tired from the plane ride.

Suddenly, without warning, I see a dark alley; following the dark alley was a wide open space, surrounded by buildings walls. Then I see her; a girl that was about the same age as me. She stands about 5 feet 8 inches, and her beautiful black hair fell down to her waists, and her black eyes staring straight ahead at something. The image moves to the right and I see a strange creature that was approaching the girl. It stood on two legs, standing tall at about 6 feet, 10 inches, it skin was a pitch black color, almost fading into the darkness, a light shining down on it was enough to make it visible. Its arms are much longer than a normal human, extending all the way to its knees. Its fingers looked like sharp claws, ready to pierce through anything. The creature continues to approach the girl, the girl stepping back before hitting the wall. She looks behind her to see what she hit, and then straight forward, just in time to be able to move slightly to the left, before the creature claws pierce right through her shoulder and into the wall behind her. She screams in pain, her hand grabbing the creatures arm, trying to pull the claws out of her shoulder, and her blood pouring down her arm, dripping off her elbow. The creature pulls back its other arm, the claws merging together, forming a long blade, and then it swings the blade right at the girl’s neck, but the image vanishes before the blade connects.

I open my eyes, shocked and confused at what I just saw, looking around me to see where I was. I look down at the old lady, and she was smiling, she opens up her eyes and looks straight into mine, “What will you do, Eriku?” she asked me while continuing to smile. I open my mouth to reply, but the train stop, and the people are unloading, dragging me into the crowd. I look back to see if the old lady was still there, but she was gone. I shake my head, and told myself that I must be tired to be seeing things.

I take out the map that my aunt sent to me, looking to see which direction that I need to take. I look around, seeing several streets and signs, then back at the map, I chuckle lightly, noticing that the surroundings around me and the map doesn’t match up. Letting out a sigh, and start to walk in the direction that feels is the right way based on the map. I continue to follow the map for about twenty minutes before taking a turn into a dark alley. Standing at the entrance for a minute, I start to wonder if this is the same alley I saw in a vision earlier. I shake my head and let out a laugh, telling myself that there is no way the vision I saw is true, and that I’m simply over thinking things. I decide to enter the alley, and follow down the path that it was taking me. “This got to be the wrong direction,” I whisper myself, “there is no way that a person would make a shortcut or path through an alleyway.” I continue to walk a little farther down, and if I don’t find an exit soon, I’ll turn back. I see a light that was shining at the corner of the pathway and smiles, rushing towards it, believing that it’s the exit that I hoping for. Instead of an exit that I wanted, I end up seeing something else that I was hoping I wouldn’t see.

Just around that corner, I see the beautiful girl that I’ve saw earlier in my vision. I stood there in shock, staring at her, wondering if it’s even possible to see something like this before you actually see it. I then remember the other part of the vision, and look to the right, and see the creature. I take a few steps back and hide myself behind the wall, shoving my head out to see the girl and the creature. I stand there, wondering what I should do. Should I run and get help? Should I call out at the girl to distract the monster so she could run away? A scream interrupts my thinking, snapping me back into reality. I notice that the girl is against the wall and the creature claws are deep into her shoulder. My eyes widens, seeing the exact same expression on her face that I’ve seen before. I close my eyes, and take a deep breath, and then ran at the creature, screaming at it to get its attention. I throw my weight at the creature, and I end up bouncing off it, and falling to the ground. My actions did catch the creature attention as it lowers the blade hand. The creature looks down at me with its deep red eyes, its mouth filled with razor sharp teeth, breathing loudly. I manage to get back to my feet and take a step back before planting my right foot into the ground, twisting my hip and then swinging my left foot as fast and hard as I could into his stomach region, but as soon as my foot landed, I hear a crunching noise, and then follow the noise is a sharp pain that fills my body, my left foot have shattered against the creature body. I gasp in pain, looking at the girl, her black eyes are glaring down at me, questioning my stupidity, but her face doesn’t show that she is scared at all. At that moment, I became confused. Why wasn’t she scared? She has a claw deep into her shoulder, and losing blood, and there was a huge creature standing over her, but there was still no scared expression on her face.

The creature takes one last look at me, and then directs his attention back at the girl. The creature came to the conclusion that I’m not a threat to it and that the girl may be more of a threat than I was. It raises its bladed hand again, and pulls back, aiming at her head, different then the first time, which was aimed at her neck. I rush towards the girl, ignoring all the pain that I have in my foot, and before I knew it, I jump right in front of her, the bladed hand piercing right through my chest. I cry out, looking down at the blade, blood starting to pour down it, and then I grab the creature arm, gathering all the strength that I had left and kicked my right foot at the clawed arm, kicking it out of the girl shoulder, releasing her. I look back at her and smile, “I’m glad that you are free,” I whispers to her, “Please escape from here.” My vision became blurry as the blade is removed from my chest, and I fall to the ground. My body starts to feel warm, “odd,” I said to myself, “Don’t bodies get cold when you are dying?” My eyes tear up, looking straight at the sky, watching it turn into a dark blue, like it was on fire, before closing my eyes.
Attached Files
File Type: txt Story.txt (8.6 KB, 2 views)

Last edited by quostin; 01-18-2011 at 03:15 PM. Reason: Updated
quostin is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-29-2010, 01:21 AM   #2
EagleEyes

Fanatic
 
EagleEyes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Space Australia
Posts: 1,242

Rep Power: 144
EagleEyes has much to be proud of EagleEyes has much to be proud of EagleEyes has much to be proud of
Re: Quostin Story (No Title Yet) Chapter 1 - The Encounter

Finally got around to reading it. Good work my friend. I want #2 to come out now ^_^
EagleEyes is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-29-2010, 01:32 AM   #3
Kusari
Fan
 
Kusari's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Your Speakers via New England
Posts: 88

Rep Power: 94
Kusari is meh
Re: Quostin Story (No Title Yet) Chapter 1 - The Encounter

I think this has quite a bit of potential. The errors I'm seeing aren't anything that would alter the storyline so if they get repaired them this could be pretty great. ^__^! And that's coming from someone that reads seldomly.
______________________


Kusari is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-10-2010, 08:36 PM   #4
moonhawk81

Wandering Witch
 
moonhawk81's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 683

Rep Power: 109
moonhawk81 is on a distinguished road
Re: Quostin Story (No Title Yet) Chapter 1 - The Encounter

Very intriguing--can't wait for more.
______________________

moonhawk81 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 08:18 PM.



Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.