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Old 07-12-2011, 08:19 PM   #2
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Re: Blitzkreig Chess(working name)

Alright alright. So I read this on a whim since I'm not up to anything right now. Luckily I've dabbled into a bit of creative writing so I'll give some insights. Judging from how you said you hope you found a drawers for this and the description you used I'm guessing this is written to be in a manga or comic of sorts. Or at least a novel with some pictures here and there.

Anyway, I like the theme. I used to be a pretty advent chess players so I'm definitely cool with the idea or murdering people to get to the king/queen. Earth sound's pretty screwed but unless you change how human's get "saved" it's going to be pretty predictable what happens (unless you pull a Berserk on us and murder EVERYONE sending them to hell...that could happen too...).

You have some really minor spelling mistakes in that draft. There's a 'past' that should be 'passed' and something else but really nothing I'd fret about. Not like this is a final draft or something.

Now the content. I'm black so I'm cool with the black guy being "The black guy" hahahah but get the dude a name! You do need some names for some of the players. Also you might want to change the idea that the not king/queen people can be switched in and out. Otherwise you're either going to have a clusterf*** of characters with no background OR like a bunch with little to no back-story. So make a set cast and stick with them unless you are going for an "army" idea in which case I'd expect character bios to give background depth at the end of each chapter. You might want to look at the game Valkryia Chronicles if you do the whole army idea. They have a core set of people, the main ones in cutscenes and all that. But the other not as important people were made with a story and all fit very nicely and a lot of them become lovable (I'm looking at you Marina Wulfstan my lone wolf love!).

I do like how you added the obvious "sh*ts about to go down when Tsukuyo gets on the field!" My gf would like to have a word with you about the genetics thing tho (don't let her, she'll only hurt you!). I told her it was just creative writing magic and that's all you need to tell anyone who asks. It is what it is because it is. You have her playing your martyr which means mc guy is going to play a martyr shield (because suicide bombers need life insurance to balance their finances afterwards). The idea of using pictures is to relate information seems...well it seems cute, not gonna lie hahahah.

All in all I would be interested in reading more if for anything to see who you add to this ragtag last ditch hope team for Earth.

Somethings you could work on would be re-working how you introduce new people to readers. If you just throw a name out there you'll make readers think they missed the introduction to them. Also reword some of the sentences so you aren't saying the same word right next to each other, example:
Both are seen wearing glasses, wearing garments of light brown with gold trimmings, clad in a butlers uniform. The butlers are both male and female(twins).
Yes, we know they're butlers and they're wearing clothes. We don't necessarily need to know that the two people in butler uniforms are...butlers. Seems pretty self evident. But try to liven up your word choice a bit. Don't go extreme otherwise you'll have readers having to look in a dictionary to figure out what you said. That's never a good thing.

Anyway tho for me to say more would be me pulling things out of my buttocks. So go ahead and start working on more so I can take a peak at it and see where you're headed! Nice read.
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