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-   -   Two Suns (original poem) (http://918thefan.com/forums/showthread.php?t=2146)

littlefileuser 06-22-2011 04:34 AM

Two Suns (original poem)
 
Reviews appreciated. I attempted a rhyme and was extremely inspired. This recurring theme of the Sun tends to also come to me; I don't know. I feel like each time I write more the poems begin to merge together into a story plot; it's interesting. Mixed feelings and devotion. I have two shorts and another side poem I have to submit. They're poor but enriched in thoughts. Please tell me what you think :)
The two Suns forbid my rest;
I follow them as I please.
Never will I say again that I, too, want to sleep.
Although I'm part of the big, shared world,
I hope I'm a part of you.
Your indifference, your respectfulness;
I can't sleep 'til noon.
I give no care to the Sun in the sky,
or the coward in the clouds.
I only need to have you here;
the beauty of your elegant smile.
The transitions are choppy; an edit must be made.
Thanks, all.

+ P.S. I'm concerned about my posting and whether or not it would be "spamming" this section. I want to post more so would it be more reasonable to stack them in one thread?

Gatx 08-02-2011 03:00 AM

Re: Two Suns (original poem)
 
Just some quick comments.

Respectfulness is kind of unwieldy, "respect" alone gets the point across.

"Elegant" also seems a little extraneous in the last line, you're already conveying something aesthetically positive with "beauty," so "elegant" might be redundant. You're probably not concerned but it does kind of feel like a lot of syllables compared the previous line. You can either take it out or use something short and possibly appeals to a different sense, like "warm smile" for instance.

Sorry to get kind of nitpicky about details, but you did write a poem . . .

Also, I love the metaphor you have going here, really romantic, nice work.

Also, just throwing it out there, the title "Two Suns" totally reminded me of Star Wars and that famous binary sunset on Tatooine, which is why I clicked on this topic in the first place, lol.

moonhawk81 08-03-2011 11:21 AM

Re: Two Suns (original poem)
 
I really enjoyed the poem. Further, I don't think "spamming" would be an issue of concern within the literature section, even in reference to edits or variations of the same poem. (But of course, I'm not the moderator...)

And, Gatx, if I might respectfully disagree with a point of yours, I personally do not think elegant to be redundant. Elegance, while hinting at beauty, more strongly emphasizes order; therefore, elegant merely reinforces rather than repeats the idea of beauty. (At least in my mind...)


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