Welcome welcome to the first summer edition 2011 of Molly Rants-a-lot. Boot up those computers and practice those DiCaprio impressions, because we’re going all Inception up in here. Hold onto your sleeping caps, friends. We’re taking a trip into the Pokemon Dream World.

So, I am sure you all are up to date with the goings on in the Pokemon world. What better way to start the summer off right then by catching super-powered Bidoofs until the cows come home. There is nothing more fun than Dream World Bidoofs. Anyway, I won’t spend too much time on actual game mechanics (maybe just a rushed overview will suffice), because I want to actually give you my two cents on the subject. For as kitchy and fun this game function is, by the gods, it’s got some glaring downfalls. Despite this, it’s a good time waster and I’ll tell you why.

Let’s just work through the chain of events, shall we. First, you’ve got to boot up your DS and put your little buddy to sleep through the game sync. Easy enough to do. After waiting a couple of uneventful minutes, the bugger is asleep and you delve into the oh so deep and meaningful dreams of your pokemon. To the Internet!

Great. So in this example I put my Kricketune, Jiminy to bed (lol bed bug) and logged myself into the Pokemon Global Link, Nintendo’s answer to the lose-ability of the Pokewalker in Generation 4 (I, myself, went through two pokewalkers in a matter of a couple of months). You can’t possibly misplace the internet on a crowded bus or a Jimmy Johns. So lose the portability and the convenience but up the graphics and the game play. I say that’s fair.

So now you’re all logged in and you dive headlong into dream land when Professor Whatsherface tells you you jumped the gun. Your buddy hasn’t slept long enough to be dreaming. Left with no other choice than to hang out in the Global Link home page, listening to catchy kid’s techno and watching a world map give you the stats of various countries. Apparently nine children in the Republic of Zambia (Africa) are enjoying their Bulbsaurs which would only be obtained from past generation games. Never mind the rest of land-locked Africa. In all seriousness, this was only a sad attempt on Nintendo’s part to relate a geography lesson to extreme animal cruelty. But now I know where Zambia is on the map. You learn something new every day.

Now the dream lady has let into the dream world. You’ve got a quaint little hut, a “share shelf” and a berry garden (which is a nice addition considering we can’t harvest them in game). Right, so the berry garden is a fantastic little addition. Never again will you have a shortage of Oran or Sitrus berries. Oh, but hold your horses, the berries act as a form of currency. With them you may purchase anything from plush beds, windows (as they do not come with the structure. I think that’s a building code violation) to whole new houses such as a sleek Yuppie home, a rustic log cabin to the most alarmingly gaudy bedazzled cotton candy castle. Better get your water pale out, because the cost for anything is stupidly expensive. 100 berries for a window? I blame the economy.

The gardening is done. We came to the startling realization that we will never be able to afford a bed, let alone basic structural necessities. It’s now time to do what we came here to do: Catch pokemon!! To the Island of DREEEEEEEEEEEEAMS!! Like the pokewalker function, you can travel between areas to find and catch new friends. But you can’t just catch them. No, you have to play excruciatingly simplistic games such as berry costly ice cream scooping, not letting pokemon drown, avoiding dangerous electrical storms (In case you didn’t know, Pelipper, being a dual Water/Flying, is doubly weak to electricity) to working missing children cases. If you don’t screw it up (which is exceptionally easy if you’re playing the sky race on a lap top with a finicky track pad), you’ve successfully amused the fella and added it to a list of friends to send back.

So, you’ve wondered around Pleasant Forest, played with Bidoofs and Ratatas and found some useful overworld items. But guess what, unlike being able to bring back up to three pokemon from the walker, you can only choose one and it, too, costs you a precious berry. Better yet, you’ll be stuck in the pleasant forest with bidoofs aplently until you scratch up enough points to open up new areas and get new items and pokemon. That. Takes. Time. So much precious time. At an hour at a time, it all adds up rather quickly. After an hour of dream diving, you still have to boot up the real game, get your stuff and wake up your buddy. What is this about chores? Oh, a 20-pager for history?

Now you’ve got your new friend. You’ve been kicked off the island of dreams (though you can always go back for something better within your ten-step range so long as you don’t pay your one-berry tax on the way out). What’s left to do now? Stalk randomly selected international strangers. Hop onto your dream pal map and make some friends. Go water their plants, take their items and break into their homes. Frankly, the best way to rake up the points is to exploit the watering system. Befriend the people that neglect their garden the most and you’ll be on your way to the Windswept Sky or the Sparkling Sea. Even better, go find the Japanese players because they’ve got the most berries and the best items. They’ve got the lute you want.

Let’s see, I’ve covered almost everything. Oh right, the promotions. So, if you played the Trainer Club Eeveelution Break Out game (I played it almost 20 times before I finally got my Espeon.. Almost), you got a free Eeveelution with a special Dream World ability. The second half of the promotion started last Thursday and you are now able to download your new Eevee. Unfortunately, this promotion saw a lot of bugs and glitches and many (me included) will never get their Eeveelution because of a glitch in the saving function. Oh well.

Ok ok, we’re almost done here. This thing was a major time waster with spiffy music, but they coaxed you in with monsters that can’t be found in game. Fair enough. The berries are plentiful. You can’t get the level up experience like the pokewalker. Despite its downfalls, its simplicity makes it a good mindless activity. I rather enjoy seeing my pals in a different medium.

That’s more than enough. I can’t squeeze much more out of this game. Why don’t you guys tell me some stuff.
1) If you’ve got a Dream World account, what’s your DW name?
2) What’s your preferred buddy to violate their dreams with?
3) If you and Kibs had a 6 on 6 battle with only dream world bidoofs, who would win?

That’s enough for me. It is my hope you enjoyed this summer special. I will be back in June with the return of the It’s Too $@%^ Hot Outside series. Until then… Say goodbye, Sir Derpington II!